You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
