note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
