Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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