yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
