Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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