I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
