Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
