He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
