in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
