we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
