At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
