I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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