I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
