After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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