he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
