If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
