Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
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Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
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Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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