Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I need moral support for this bender
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Dick very happy bro
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
