I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
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I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
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I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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