Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
