: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
