Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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