My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
