she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
