Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize