Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
