And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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