remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i think i scared a bird with my dick
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
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No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
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He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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