that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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