I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
