I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
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I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
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Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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