She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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