Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
