I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
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