When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
