Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
