I saw his package. It spoke to me.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
