I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
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