I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
