ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
‪I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse. ‬
Randomize
