a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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