dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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