my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
