She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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