I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you will always have a special place in my vag
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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