this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
