She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
