I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
