she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
