just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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