He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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