i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
