Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
