tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
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Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
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