It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Found your dick twin last night
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
