apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
MIDGETS
????
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
