It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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