Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
someone owes me an orgasm
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
