the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
